Maria Wojciechowski's Blahg

I like to write. I do it here.

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Improv Olympic

I moved to Chicago having very little concept of what improv was outside of “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” and that thing my favorite sketch comedians did before they got famous. I began taking classes because I wanted to be a famous, sketch comedian and that’s what you’re supposed to do.

Improv was never my passion. I felt so hit or miss on stage, and being a writer, I felt very half-satisfied. On the one hand I was being creative, but on the other hand, I was not walking away with new material I could use again. Shows felt more like parties, and I don’t really like parties unless I’m drunk… so I was always drunk.

When I didn’t make a Harold team at iO, I quit improv. I was devastated because I felt like I’d lost my gateway to SNL. (This is true. That was a true feeling I had.) I was very sad to walk away from the institution that, despite my lukewarm feelings toward improv, really fostered the talents of so many people I respect comedically.

I thought I was done with iO until two Saturday night shows at the theater became a huge staple in my life: Saturday/SATURDAY and BYOT. They let me go up on stage and do whatever the hell I wanted. Try written stuff. Fail. Succeed. Do OK. While feeling great about it being surrounded by the positive energy of the improv community even though I wasn’t doing improv.

I found my voice through iO and my passion and my friends and a few ex-boyfriends, take ‘em or leave ‘em. I’m forever grateful to that theater, amongst others, for helping me find my way even if it was by showing me I was going the wrong way.

I will miss the old building. I will miss the bathroom graffiti. I’ll never know who has a “crush on Jimmy Carrane” or who thinks “Alabama is awesome.” But I’m looking forward to peeing in a new place that’s cleaner because it’s new. Can’t wait for the move to the new space… and of course… for the return of Saturday/SATURDAY and hopefully BYOT.

Filed under throw back thursday tbt improv iO improv olympic chicago comedy sketch second city

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Perhaps if the police didn’t take almost an hour to arrive at the scene after the first call was placed, this situation would have been more controlled. Chicago police neglect most 911 calls until it’s too late. They never arrived when I called when I saw a mother beating her child. This inaction is unforgivable. #chicago #cpd #chicagopd #Montrosebeach #uptown #buenapark

Perhaps if the police didn’t take almost an hour to arrive at the scene after the first call was placed, this situation would have been more controlled. Chicago police neglect most 911 calls until it’s too late. They never arrived when I called when I saw a mother beating her child. This inaction is unforgivable. #chicago #cpd #chicagopd #Montrosebeach #uptown #buenapark

Filed under chicago cpd chicagopd buenapark uptown montrosebeach

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Tinder and The Art of Judgment

When I got the Tinder app a couple days ago, it was purely out of boredom. My friends had regaled me with tales of the lunatics who would message them, and I was so desperate for something fun to do that I fell for it hook up, pickup line, and sinker. 

"I can’t wait to see what crazy things these guys say!"

But that never happened. And here’s why: I know how to pick ‘em.

Unlike Tinder’s free online dating predecessor, OKCupid, two people have to ‘like’ or ‘swipe right’ or whatever each other before they are allowed to message. And if you know what types to swipe left, the avoidance of maniacs is almost guaranteed. 

What pictures of himself did he post?

There are certain types of photos that cause me to immediately say “NOPE” 

  1. Hot Girl Companions - We get it. You like super hot girls, asshole.
  2. Topless - Put your shirt back on, asshole.
  3. Mirror Selfie - A certain type of personality comes along with mirror selfie takers, assholes.
  4. Group Shots, All Group Shots - Where are you, Butthead?
  5. Angles - The infamous Myspace angles. They are just deceptive and show signs of an insecure asshole.

Certain types of photos that cause me to immediately say ‘yes’

  1. Dog
  2. Dogs
  3. Cat

What does his little blurb say?

Just say NO if he is one of the following:

  1. A Height-ist: If a guy specifies the exact height he wants you…even if you meet that requirement.
  2. A Hypocrite: If a guy is making fun of online dating within his blurb then why the hell is he even here?
  3. A Passerby: Oklahoma by way of Spain by way of New York by way of Paris by way of Chicago. Jesus… what is this? The “Begets” section of the Bible?
  4. A Bragger: Sure list a few things you are a good at or enjoy, but let’s leave something for the conversation.
  5. Blank: 

This should help weed out the creeps. But keep in mind that when dealing with nice guys, you’ll probably have to have the same conversation a million times. Yes I play accordion. No I don’t play guitar. Yes I have plans for the Fourth Of July.

I have to be honest… I like Candy Crush better.

Filed under tinder candy crush online dating photos pictures dating internet okcupid okc chicago bible to do how to avoid creeps creep maniac brag dog cat

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If you ask how I am, I will say…

I’m not doing too well these days. I’ve been really depressed, but agitatedly depressed, which is a rare state for me.

I’ve felt like this before, and it’s no good. I break things. I punch things. And right now I want to break everything in my apartment. The other night I accidentally (and by accidentally I mean quite purposefully) broke a chair. I hate myself for being so destructive. 

There have been glimpses of happiness over the past couple of days, but for the most part all I’ve wanted to do is hide. I worked MAYBE 6 hours this week. Just not showing up, and when I did I might as well have not been there.

I don’t know why I’m being so personal. Maybe someone else out there feels the same way right now? I’m sure someone does, I’m sorry for you. I feel very alone. I know I’m not. But I feel it.

I don’t understand my brain. When I’m happy, I can’t remember what it’s like to be sad. When I’m sad, it’s like I’ve never been happy in my life. It’s sick, and medicine is failing me tonight.

Filed under bipolar disorder depression agitation anxiety help sick mental blah

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Why I Started Following Patton Oswalt

I don’t follow celebrities on Twitter—partly because they don’t follow me back (YOU HEAR ME, STEVE MARTIN?)—but mostly because I just don’t care all that much. You’re on TV tonight? Ok…cool…

But today I started following Patton Oswalt, and here’s why:

Last night after watching a DVR’d episode of Dancing With The Stars (ughhhhh enough with Abby Lee Miller), I caught Oswalt’s interview with Craig Fergusen about social media. Apparently Oswalt had spent the day trolling his followers by posting apologies for his inappropriate tweets, which in actuality had never been written, just to see how angry people would get over something that didn’t even exist. And, of course, people got angry.

"That’s funny," I thought. And as his interview lingered in my mind this morning (1pm counts as morning), I got on my computer and began following Patton Oswalt. I knew he’d get shit for his joke and right on cue entered Miles Klee, a hard-hitting, internet journalist for The Daily Dot who writes important pieces like "Does your state care more about Netflix or Sex" and "A cat walks into a bakery—ouch." Klee’s article titled "Why I unfollowed Patton Oswalt—and you should too" talked about something… I don’t know… I couldn’t read it all because it was so awful.

Following the backlash of Leslie Jones’ bit on SNL where she pokes fun at herself in relation to America’s horrible history of slavery, I’m just so done. I’m so done with humorless “do-gooders.” Leslie’s “No 1 Slave Draft Pick” joke was so clever, so funny, and so well performed. I love it. I’ve watched it at least a dozen times since it aired on Saturday. I love it that much. She is a skilled comedian and writer. That segment showed real talent.

I know what I’m about to say is very controversial, but I hate sexism and racism. Please don’t get upset, but I detest any joke that is rooted in hatred. And I’m not homophobic, but people, quit being so gay.

Patton Oswalt’s jokes on twitter were social commentary. Leslie Jones’ joke was about herself. These two didn’t become professional comedians for the shitty rape jokes they told at open mics. They became professionals because they can find humor in unlikely places. Now loosen up and follow them on their journey. You just might enjoy yourself.

Filed under patton oswalt leslie jones saturday night live snl comedy sketch stand up twitter unfollow follow jokes humor